Deal or No Deal!

Right now I am supposed to be writing my script, I have the entire day with nothing to do but instead have found myself cleaning the house, doing the laundry, checking my facebook over and over and playing online games. I started off at 10am this morning and it is now 4:17pm, meaning that in the last 6 hours and 17 minutes I have written two sentences! My procrastination binge how now led me to blogspot to document a game of Deal or No Deal... with words!

If you would like to enjoy this game for yourself please visit...

http://www.nothingtodo.co.uk/view/2012/deal-or-no-deal-uk-version.html

ROUND 1

So here we go! Round one! Those of you with a sharp eye will notice I have chosen 5 as my final box, I have done so as this is the date of my birthday. Okay well let's get this going!

Box 9 - I went for box 9... The box appeared on screen, a bead of sweat slowly ran down the side of my face as the amazing flash graphics depicted the label being pulled off and it was a .... 10p!!! WOOOH! If I was on television right Noel Edmonds would literally be wanking whilst the crowd chant like idiots!
Box 12 - Oh my God! I selected box 12 and was pleased to find that inside was a mere £5! This game is going to be brilliant!
Box 1 - Cocky and full of confidence by the results of box 12 I decided to go for box 1... My anus tightened like a vice when I saw it was a staggering £100,000 inside. Noel Edmonds is actually cutting a piece of tension of with a knife and putting it on some toast.
Box 7 - This wasn't so bad... £1,000.
Box 13 - 13 is an unlucky number, so to get it out of the way I selected this, the result was an unnerving £20,000.

THE OFFER
The banker wants to buy this box for a mere £2,600. I think that will be a NO DEAL!

ROUND 2

Okay so here's my board as it stands. You can all see the damage obtained by the first round. But it's okay, let's continue and dance once more with Noel Edmonds.

Box 3 - £250 was hiding in here. That's pretty good! But if all goes tit's up that would be an ammount of money I would use to drink myself to death.
Box 22 - £10. Not bad, the crowd are clapping they're tits off.
Box 14 - £5,000. Another souless applause from the audience.

THE OFFER
The banker has proposed I walk home with a hefty sum of £12,400. I take the phone from Noel's excrement scented fingers and tell him to stick the deal up his arse.

ROUND 3

About to step into the frighteningly tense ROUND 3. I am pleased to get a back rup from Noel coaching me on and hearing him whisper kind things about the way I look when I walk around into my ear.

Box 4 - £750! Back of the net! The third round with a cool blue start.
Box 16 - £75,000! Shit. The crowd 'ooh'.
Box 15 - £50,000! Shit Shit! Not the best way to end a round.

THE OFFER
A mesely £5,800. I tell the banker a common phrase that begins with 'S' and ends with 'hove it up your cunt!'. NO DEAL

ROUND 4

Round 3 was a bit crap. Lost a lot of opputunities. Let's hope to Mr. Blobby the £250,000 doesn't come up in this round!

Box 11 - £3,000. In my opinion a shakey start but not too bad.
Box 2 - £500. Just what I needed! Noel just licked the floor.
Box 6 - £100. Wooh!

THE OFFER
£15,500. Pretty generous. I'm drunk with a sort of gambling induced delusion so NO DEAL!

ROUND 5

The pressure is mounting. Nearing the final round. Let's hope that the £250,000 doesn't come up.

Box 18 - £15,000. Spicy sum of money that, drat.
Box 10 - £50. Noel is smiling.
Box 21 - £35,000. Fuck. £10,000 is now the biggest sum. This is not good.

THE OFFER
£12,800. Pretty good, I should deal on this after all if the £250,000 pops up in the sixth and final round I will probably spend the rest of my life replaying this game in my head, waking up in a cold sweat at 5am regulary after nightmares where Noel Edmonds is laughing at me naked and poking me with a stick. So... NO DEAL!

ROUND 6

So here we are. The final round. I have 3 blues and 2 reds left. I hope to Mr. Blobby's Mother the £250,000 makes it through this. Otherwise blood from my wrists is going to gush all over Noel.

Box 17 - £1. Still safe!
Box 19 - £250,000! NOOOO!!!! It's all over now! What the hell was the point in getting out of bed this morning.
Box 8 - 1p. It's good but whats the point.
THE OFFER
A pathetic £4,700. What a drop from my highest offer which was £15,500. I'm going to play through if I end up with the 50p there better be a space for me at the bottom of the River Severn because I'll be plummeting off it!

FINALE

So there you have it... I go with £10,000. Not quite the £250,000 ... or the £15,500 for that matter. Only a small bit of self harming will ensue after this plane crash of a game. With the £10,000 I am going to have a feast of heroin along with other narcotics and see where it all takes me. Thanks for reading!

Family Fortunes.

Today was a beautiful day. The sun beamed down, the sky was blue, everyone was outside playing and generally enjoying life. I spent my day lying on the sofa absorbing the cancerous rays from the television.

I found myself after 7 episodes but what felt like 3 weeks of "Two and a Half Men" skipping through channels and landed quite steeply onto 'Challenge', for those who are not from the UK, 'Challenge' is a channel devoted to playing old game shows (mainly produced by Granada) from the late 1980's and 1990's, shows such as "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?", "Catchphrase" and God's gift to entertainment, Michael Barrymore's "Strike it Lucky" are regularly shown here. However today I committed a big sin, a visual equivelent to drinking a pint full of hot trans-fat and then injecting a 6 pieces of bacon into your main artery. I watched "Family Fortunes".

It's not that I just watched "Family Fortunes" it's that I led there, on my arse and watched 5 or 6 episodes in a row finding myself shocked and suprized to my newly found masochistic tendencies. "Family Fortunes" a game show based upon an American format which was called "Family Feud", puts two gimpy families against one another and is asked by the Gimp-God himself Les Dennis who usually wears a male leather lingerie under his suit and often sucks on a rubber ball off camera. Basically each family is asked to find a list of most popular answers which have been found through a survey for questions as dull as... "Another use for a tap..." Then each family goes into a competition to who can slip in the answer "Make love" followed by any other sexual innuendo in a desperate bid to make it into a "TV's Rudest Moments!" type show produced by ITV2 sometime in the future as future generations can watch it and go "I WISH I WAS ALIVE THEN WASN'T TELEVISION RADICAL BACK THEN!!!".

After this stage of the game the family with the most points is chosen for the BIG MONEY round. This sounds exciting doesn't it! Well it is. I'm not being sarcastic, it really is. Les Dennis and the camera crew take the winning family outside on the streets and each member of the family is challenged to try and open a fire hydrant with they're teeth and after an hour of teeth snapping on metal and agonizing screams each families mouth is inspected and for each tooth they have left between them they receive £5. It's fucking brilliant!


Les Dennis in 2002, when he had that terrible gigantic tumour which cost him every penny he ever earned to have removed.

Production Blog #1

Hey there! I will be keeping a diary here through every stage of a feature film I am currently working on, along with other 'musings'. I am aware that as of yet no one is reading this or is even the least bit interested in anything I have to say and I don't blame you!

I am currently working on a feature length comedy film. It is a mockumentary about three ambitious amateur skateboarders in South Wales. I know that the plot sounds like something a 14 year old would dream up but the skateboarding aspect is just a device to bring all three characters' stories together.

I have only just started writing the script and am near the end of a first draft, I am going to send it over to my friend and co-writer Thomas Rees so he can lay down some of his ideas down on it.

I understand that this isn't a very fun thing to read, so I am going to end this now. I will update soon and when production begins (which is scheduled for this coming October) I will start posting up photo's and video footage but until then it's just a pre-production blog.